- Reflection Points Menu -
My children will want to make sure that they either cut my cable or my credit cards or perhaps just to be safe both as I’ve assured myself that as soon as I can even remotely claim ‘senility made me buy it’---I will
J. McKay / I have always been a fan of infomercials. The thought that an instant boost in quality of life is just a phone call away is alluring to say the least. With only 2 easy payments of 29.99 buckwheat hull filled pillows, vacuum sealers, food dryers and a whole laboratory of beauty and healthy products are ready and waiting to change the way I eat, sleep, feel and look. The price alone is worth satisfying that gnawing question of ‘Will it work?’ that consumes me during the 30-60 minute broadcast which gradually becomes ‘Why wouldn’t it work?’ as I fall victim to the enthusiasm of the live audience, the magic of before-and-afters, and the convincing animated scientific rationales.
I have long threatened to do all of my Christmas shopping through infomercials. I wonder if they would ship the infomercial with the product so I could affix the DVD under the bow of the wrapped miracle worker with a hand scrawled note that says ‘Watch this First’. This way the lucky recipient would be reassured that after watching that there really was nothing else that they could have wanted. My children will want to make sure that they either cut my cable or my credit cards or perhaps just to be safe both as I’ve assured myself that as soon as I can even remotely claim ‘senility made me buy it’---I will. Besides who needs an inheritance when you could have knives that cut through pop cans; the tab is for sissies.
I often turn products that I find particularly revolutionary into infomercials in my head. Take the Dora Colgate Spinbrush that we bought for my 3 year old sweet tooth today. We actually had to take it away from her tonight. A far cry from the usual dental wrestling match that gets all parties nice and heated for bed time.
Cue infomercial music as the announcer voice over begins, ‘Would you rather be water-boarded than brush your kids teeth?’ as a simulated struggle between a exhausted looking mother and ridiculously ripped two year old (which is actually last years winner from Mr. Iron Small Person in a pair of pajamas from Baby Gap). The camera zooms into the toddler’s mouth to reveal the feeble strokes of the stiff bristles glancing off rotting bicuspids.
The magic sparkling transition cuts to a new scene with the relieved voice over narrating, ‘Well struggle no more’ as the now fresh from the spa mom with the gentle dynamo placidly sitting on her lab as he brushes his own teeth with the Colgate Spin Brush. Someone in a white lab coat shows graphs of how many hours you would have to brush your young one’s teeth to equal the effectiveness of just five minutes with the spin brush. ‘In a single brushing your children’s teeth will get more vibrating brush to enamel contact than they have since they cut their first tooth’.
A child psychiatrist is then interviewed about the lasting psychological damage caused by do it yourself parental cleanings complete with shadowed and voiced altered mob boss who credits his life of hard crime to his mom’s insistence that he’d thank her someday for all of that brushing before bursting into tears, ‘Thanks Ma the teeth look great in my Wanted picture.’
Seriously though, if pediatric tooth decay keeps you up at night run down to Walgreen’s, Target, or (shudder) Walmart and snag your child their own personal dental hygienist camouflaged as their favorite cartoon hero. Not to mention it’s ergonomically wide handle is perfect for small hands and doubles as a stand keeping your child’s tooth brush off of the bathroom counter which so often doubles as their seat (judge not). I could go on but you’ve already left to make a life altering purchase. No, Colgate did not sponsor this post but if they would like to we would accept payment in Spinbrushes.
Is there a product that you would have no problem being the writer, host, or testimonial for? Hit us up with a short product pitch in the comments below.